Single and Unbothered

I've come to a point in my life where I understand that what people say to you is mostly a projection of their own fears and insecurities. And in no way should be taken seriously. Case in point, when you are being criticised for being single and given Master Class 101 about your lovelife from people on the outside, truth is you should take their unsolicited advice with a grain of salt. You don't need to be upset or feel the need to explain yourself as a response. Simply shake it off.

The people who really know you, the ones you confide in, those you share the nitty gritty details about what's going on, the updated people in your life would not do this to you. The annoying comments usually come from the projections of those with real problems.

So the next question is, why do nosy people shove their relationship opinions down your throat like it's Sunday sermon session in polygamy camp? What do they get out of it? Aside from that temporary dopamine rush to feel high and mighty, is there a need for a random suggestion box over your dating life based on assumptions from people you don't speak with on a regular basis?

And so after some retrospect, I realised one common denominator. The ones who are bothered by your independence are actually the same people whose perspective are limited by their circumstances.

Such as this lady, who seems to have a particular fondness for my dating life as conversational topics on social occassions each time we see each other, feels the need to constantly intervene with my private affairs. So let's take a look at hers.

For starters, she didn't finish school. Not because she didn't get an education but because she made some poor life decisions. Living in a third-world country, that means she's already screwed. Not a good headstart. With no talent, no skills, no academic degree nor anything particularly special or intelligent about her, she is more than likely to view a man as a meal ticket. Hence, her version of a "successful relationship" is a subconscious bias based on necessity and survival.

Consequently, she married an old white guy who is willing to take care of her financially. Her view of him is magnified by what she finds important. A passport, the possibility of skipping the academic/ career queue in the hopes of a better life. Any other intrinsic value becomes secondary. He could have been a toothless, ex-convict with money and she wouldn't care.

For the love of being consistent, the same person pesters me to date strangers whenever I travel to other countries on a holiday just because she assumes my dating life is boring. Hooking up with any Tom, Dick or Harry I barely know is her definition of a spicy lovelife. Well, this spiciness comes with STDs and the possibility of ending up inside a suitcase in a foreign country and being thrown into an exotic river. Exciting but no thanks! A bit borderline desperate if you ask me.

Then again, I thought about how she got knocked up by some random stranger she met at a bar on a drunken one-night-stand some twenty years ago. So it comes as no surprise that she finds the need to fix my childlessness with her Peace Corps solution to human propagation - promiscuity. Again nothing to do with me but more to do with her mentality and values system.

Her elderly husband doesn't help either as he tactlessly expresses his concerns about my lovelife by saying he worries about me. Then I realise he grew up in more archaic seasons. Like it's the 1950s. Times have changed and women today outnumber men in the workforce. Women have careers and are just as educated as men. They don't need to be married off by their fathers to get taken cared of. Arranged marriages and marriages by convenience are as obsolete as a typewriter. Statistics even show that single people also outnumber married ones in population. We now live in a generation where marriage is an optional choice. Clearly, a foreign concept to a man with two streaks of failed short marriages that both resulted to divorce.

Plus, he is a few years away from wearing a diaper, so I understand the looming need to say to my face that I need to have someone to literally take care of me, Care Home edition. I get it.

But then the bravado to tell me that if I have nothing good to say, I shouldn't say it. Well, since he brought up the topic, here's my two cents.

The thing is, if you don't speak up about your truth, you start believing the lies that people say to you based on their own agendas and inner processing. If you are weak, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference and can let these things get to you. You would think that something is wrong with you and that being single and unloved by a man is your own fault. There's an entire rabbit hole for that feeling of guilt, loss of confidence and self-doubt. I wouldn't even go there.

Therefore, I feel the need to say this and speak up for all the women whose inner struggles with finding the right man are also battling against the world's social and biological expectations of them.

There is absolutely no shame in facing the world, all dressed up, on your own. In doing things by yourself. In solo traveling, in eating by yourself at a table for one, in enjoying your own company and in taking your time to get to know yourself.

To enhance and develop your circumstances so that you are as equally yoked with the partner that is right for you. It's totally okay to heal your heart so that you won't make lifelong decisions based on desperation. It's really okay not to force yourself and just live your life authentically.

The fragile, younger me would have been triggered by the tasteless, insensitive and crass opinions about my social status. I must admit, I spent decades of my life dealing with pricks who hide their disdain at an unmarried specie of a woman like myself through false pretenses of patronising care and concern.

This time, however, I learned to build a thicker armour. So I filter in my ear what people say and choose to understand that their own past traumas and psyche, their anxieties, their own self-esteem and egos are the real voices that you hear.

So be unbothered, pray for them and carry on with your life in peace, purpose and privacy. What life has dealt them with is enough reflection of their ignorance.

There is no need to explain yourself nor prove them anything. Just protect your peace. What people don't know about you won't hurt you. At the end of the day, your private affairs and personal life is really none of anyone's business.

Cheers from Portugal! 🍷